I watched bits of the Emmy Awards yesterday. I haven’t seen many of the television programmes that had been nominated, so I tried to guess what they were about from their titles.
Justified Drama about paragraph formatting, probably in the style of James Ellroy. Plot summary: “He was all over the page. Couldn’t control his words. Woke up edgy, jagged, unfinished. Needed some typographic alignment soon or he was going to hell.”**
**insert shit-loads of swear words and stuff about a whore and some drugs
House DIY programme about building materials such as bricks, cement, mortar and staples.
White Collar Reality show featuring the bitter rivalry between two dry-cleaning establishments in Renfrew. Main character suffers from frayed nerves and a minor addiction to solvents.
The Big C Horror series. London terrorised by massive capital letter.
Boardwalk Empire Nature documentary about a seagull and its family in Clacton-on Sea. In this episode, a male seagull has an altercation with a fiddler crab.
Friday Night Lights Factual programming. It’s a Friday night. The lights are on. They’ll go off in about eight hours.
Mildred Pierce Teen drama. Mildred hates her name and wants to change it to Stephanie.
Now tell me they’re not telly programmes that you’d pay bloody good money to watch. I am clearly TV Programming Genius. Probably.