Yesterday, Fox News hosted a debate in the beauty contest that is the fight for the Republican presidential nomination. My colleagues – all American – couldn’t understand my excitement. None of them planned to watch. Fools.
Fox News calls itself ‘America’s Election Headquarters’. That’s like calling the Lib Dems a major force in British politics. The stage set looked like a wide-screen version of Family Fortunes (in the States it’s called Family Feud), all shiny and blue and sparkly, the contestants grinning like lunatics at a shit-eating contest. Sadly Fox didn’t offer them questions such as ‘name something you keep in the garden shed’ (answer: Herman Cain, if you’re Mrs. Cain), nor did we enjoy many cut-away shots, so we couldn’t see the candidates give each other the middle finger or inject themselves with hairspray. The host looked like a Playmobile action figure; his hair was not the only helmet in the room. To help the candidates keep their answers concise, Fox had introduced an annoying noise that sounded after 60 seconds. Peep!
Rather than bore you with a full-on review, I have chosen various scrawls from my notes to give you a flavour of the debate. Well, flavour is probably the wrong word; flavour is defined as a taste perceived in the mouth, and it’s unlikely you would want any of these chaps near any hole unless it was in the ground and covered with a large rock. Think of this as an End of Year Report.
He is perfectly symmetrical. I am convinced he is half-man, half-mirror.
Most notable remark: “The lavatories of innovation”. These are of course in the same bathroom as the sinks of invention and the bidets of advancement.
Second most notable remark: “Covertly, overtly or otherwise”. Is there a third overt that only Rick knows about? Steve Overt, perhaps?
Answered the same thing to every question:
“Blah blah CHINA blah blah TRUST DEFICIT blah CHINA”. Peep!
Acted like a dentist lecturing teenagers about tooth decay. He was aggressively goaded by host Bret Baier to say that he would bomb Iran. Ron’s answer: No.
“Yeah but if they closed the trading routes”. No.
“Yeah but if they made dogs marry cats”. No.
“Yeah but if they …”. No.
Would you bomb Iran?
“Fuck, yeah” (I am summarising here).
Why? Because there are “scoundrels in the Middle East”. Sorry to interrupt Rick, but the 16th century is on the phone and would like its opinions back.
Appeared to be hosting a school for spiders on her eyelids.
On Obama: “I’ve gone toe-to-toe with Obama”. Pictures, please Michele.
On Iran: “We would be fools and knaves to ignore their purpose and their plan”. Knaves! Forsooth!
On Ron Paul’s views on Iran: “That would be the greatest under-reaction in world history”. Er, no, Michele, that happens when I get my hair cut and nobody notices.
Best quote: “I am a serious candidate”. Yes and I have a huge bosom. NOT REALLY.
Is the surge over? Or is he surging on your sofa RIGHT NOW?
On the Arab Spring: “The popular outrage was so angry”. Can an outrage be angry? Isn’t it, by definition, outraged?
On his pro-life record: “I wouldn’t go out and try to purge Republicans”. Oh I would, Newt, I would. With a sharp stick.
On everything else: “Blah blah SHITTING ON YOUR SOFA NOW blah blah”.
I actually forgot about him. Sorry.
Family Fortunes Fox News and some more probing questions:
- “Who is your favourite supreme court justice?” To UK politicians, that translates as ‘what is your favourite biscuit?’
- “Do you agree the 9th Circuit should be abolished?” No, but I’d kick Justin Bieber in the nuts.
- Best quote from host Bret about the annoying peep: “We’ve been fairly liberal with our friendly ding”. Shame you weren’t so liberal with, say, some pepper spray.
So that’s it. Now all I have to do is work out the difference between a primary and a caucus, and then mock it.
ps. as I was finishing this post, the news broke on Twitter that Christopher Hitchens has died. He did things with the English language that no other could. RIP Hitch.