Last night’s Republican primary in New Hampshire was like going on a date with a bloke you’re not that bothered about but you go anyway just in case by some miracle he’s turned into a slightly older but no less compact version of Ryan Gosling.
Well, New Hampshire just didn’t do it for me. New Hampshire didn’t even get the awkward kiss goodnight, never mind the nod to come upstairs. Frankly it was all a bit disappointing. So I have developed a new slogan for New Hampshire’s Department of Resources and Economic Development (Division of Travel and Tourism Development):
“New Hampshire – it’s ok, but it’s not Iowa”. You’re welcome.
It was a sure thing that Mitt would win the primary and that his gleaming children would crowd the stage behind him, swaying gently like wholesome ears of golden corn in a field of success. So I ignored all the CNN bollocky exit polls and swipey-boards and punditry, went to the pub and got home in time to see the results. Sadly, I didn’t catch Rick Perry’s speech but I can step in shit anytime I want so it was no great loss.
In case you had something better to do last night (like anything at all that wasn’t watching this), basically Mitt won, Ron Paul came second and Newt got angry. Here’s a quick summary of the speeches:
Mitt Romney. I won. I’m great. “The President has run out of ideas. Now, he’s running out of excuses. And tonight, we are asking the good people of South Carolina to join the citizens of New Hampshire and make 2012 the year he runs out of time” … to finish a huge jigsaw puzzle? Take his library books back?
Jon Huntsman tried to make coming third sound like it was his plan all along, and as for Ron Paul, well his jacket fitted for once. Massive triumph.
Rick Santorum. Rick had the disappointed look of a schoolboy who was top dog at primary school but has just gone up to high school and realised very quickly that no-one gives two flying shits about him. And his speech. Jesus. Has there ever been a more inane statement than “I believe in the American people“. Oh sorry, yes there has. “I’m for income inequality” ©RickSantorum.
Oooh Newt Gingrich. Peggy Noonan called it right when she described him as an angry little attack muffin. Man, he was FURIOUS. His speech was a masterclass in how to control your anger even when everyone knows you’ll lose it massively backstage afterwards. I bet his staffers carry pictures of zoo animals to whip out at a moment’s notice to calm Newt down “That fucking Romney prick! I’ll fucking cut him, no don’t try to fucking calm me down ahhhh a giraffe“. Newt lost me when he began by talking about the Ways and Means Committee (not cool, Newt, not cool). But in exciting news, he offered an opportunity to the American people to participate in “very dramatic, very fundamental change in Washington DC” (you mean the availability of more heterosexuals?? Ooh please say that’s what you mean) but warned that “doing more and doing it better does not exist in the Washington lexicon“. It does in the bars I go to.
So where next? South Carolina, home to the world’s largest collection of outdoor sculpture. So Rick Perry won’t be the only wooden object there.
I can’t wait.