On Wednesday I missed what could be the last televised debate between the candidates for the Republican Presidential nomination. Shame on me. According to reports, the contenders scrapped over immigration, contraception, the Middle East, favourite porn name (surprising choice by Ron Paul there) and federal spending. CNN made our four heroes sit at a desk with their hands visible at all times to avoid complaints about Mittens juggling his nuts and shaking everyone’s hand with his stinky paws at the end.
How will Conservative America choose between the four? Let’s face it, it’s not as easy as, say, choosing your favourite Spice Girl. Or Beatle. Or Horseman of the Apocalypse (‘Conquest’ for me every time, it’s a girl thing, whatever). You’d think – you’d hope – that the balls-aching lunacy of all four candidates would mean voters desperately going for the lesser of the four evils, the lesser coming slightly above ‘dribblingly insane’ but below ‘your brain just shat itself’ in the Periodic Table of Insanity.
Americans are used to making difficult choices; try buying a sandwich here, christ it takes far longer to order the damn thing than it does to actually digest it (“What type of bread you want? Would that be multigrain? And what topping d’you want on that? And what dressing? Mayo on that? Wrapped or unwrapped? Take out or eat in? Cash or credit?” Just. Give. Me. My. Fucking. Sandwich.) The difference here is that the choices are terrifying. The candidates seem bent on dragging America back to a state of controlled fear where, if you’re a lady, you can own a gun but not your own hoo-hoo. Listen to the candidates and you’d think the country is run by a devil who is waging war on religion, giving out diamond rings to poor folks and apologising to foreigners whilst enjoying a spot of infanticide before breakfast. Moderate GOP’ers must be whipping themselves with pointy twigs for letting these asshats get this far.
The omnishambles that is the battle for the Republican nomination boils down to this: the Has-Been, the Has-Issues, the Has-Money or the Has-Persistence.
Which one would you go for? Much easier just to choose a kitten.