right I’m off to work
thought I might monger a bit of war
you got cake in for later?
Tom Cotton is the junior senator from Arkansas and my new favourite republican hero-star. When he is not getting punched in the twitter-face by foreign ministers for publishing his secret journal or insisting just gimme four days and some bombs and a false mustache and i will crush those pansy Iranians c’mon you saw Argo it’s totally doable, his favourite thing in the world to do is eat birthday cake every day. He looks like Ted Cruz if someone laid Ted Cruz flat out and ironed him.
By 2020 Tom Cotton will hopefully join the swelling ranks of republicans whose main purpose in life is to entertain the rest of us by running for President. Alas, 2016 is too soon for our Tom. He still has a few years of solid lunacy to go before he can proudly stand on the corner of who? and you serious, bro?
Still, there are plenty of candidates for 2016 to keep us amused:
The aforementioned Ted Cruz. He is younger than me, which is infuriating, and has a lifelong hatred of avocados, which is insane (who doesn’t love avocados? avocados are delicious). In case you forgot, Cruz is the bloke who read out the children’s classic ‘Green Eggs And Ham’ on the floor of the senate in a faux-filibuster against Obamacare because why not. He also thinks the right to bear arms “serves as a fundamental check on government tyranny.” He launched his campaign last week in an evangelical fury and has since raised a whopping $31 million. His slogan is ‘Reigniting America’s Promise’, not exactly Yes We Can, more like Yes We Could But We’re Gonna Need Some Matches. He will never not look like the Childcatcher in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Annoyingly, I have a feeling that he is probably quite a nice man, if you put to one side the whole dangerously unbalanced thing.
Another contender with a similarly raging hatred of big government is Rand Paul, the self-styled outsider. He’s the super bright opthamologist-slash-senator who is cool with weed and not cool with bros getting banged up for weed and will debate any lame-o journo as long as the questions are not biased. He gives zero fucks about his *NSync hairstyle which he thinks is pretty great, so fuck you, media. His strategy will be to pick a fight with anyone he can in order to prove his independence, and then clean up with the twenty or thirty people left in the country he hasn’t yet argued with, although they won’t vote for him or in fact for anyone because they are too busy hiding canned food and short wave radios in their doomsday caves.
This season’s moderate, Jeb Bush is like Eeyore if Eeyore was a tad more lively. His campaign, which started out fairly strongly with an embrace of social media messaging techniques and a flood of released emails to prove how transparent he is in stark contrast to Mitt Romney, has faltered a little as he struggles to fit the straight jacket in a GOP asylum where the Tea Party gives out the meds and any sign of weakness on immigration policy results in the political version of a lobotomy. To be fair, with his name and family history, Jeb did show a sliver of balls by indicating he would run in the first place, but he needs to man up and get the whole package out. Mebbe he could Periscope it.
The youngster of the pack, Marco Rubio needs a goddamn decent haircut. His big campaign launch is on Monday, plenty of time to get down the barbers. Also his suits are terrible. I am super cross with him at the moment because of his current humpfest with the NRA, sponsoring a bill to introduce concealed weapon permits for DC. Hey Marco, you really want your kiddies dashing round the Natural History Museum surrounded by tourists packing more heat than me in my strapless jumpsuit? (I am SMOKIN HOT in that thing btw). Marco’s inspiring campaign slogan is ‘New American Century’, which I believe is a type of armchair.
Rick Perry. C’mon.
Donald Trump. For the lolz.
Now, Bobby Jindal is a name to remember only if you’re planning to join a pub quiz team in the near future and need the names of candidates kicked out of the race after the Iowa caucus. Otherwise, don’t bother. He’s the guy who is currently championing a bill in his state of Louisiana that will permit business owners to deny services to anyone who offends their religious beliefs, because Jesus was totally all about not letting the gays have nice cake for their disgusting public affirmations of love and commitment ugh gross look Denise they’re holding hands again omg get the camera. Yesterday, Jindal called the NRA the “most effective civil rights organisation” in the U.S., so there’s that.
Chris Christie’s rise to the top of the contender list, much to the fury of the GOP who were all super bitchy at him for play-bromancing with Obama during Hurricane Sandy, didn’t last long. All that plotting and backstabbing and intrigue and Oprah interviews, only for his own team to fuck everything up over some petty road closures on a bloody bridge. Bit embarrassing all round. He’ll probably run for the presidency though, because ego.
My final offering is Scott Walker, not the singer though. Walker is the Governor of Wisconsin who reckons his recent manly union-bashing experience makes him the Number One Fist of Choice to gut punch ISIS, who are apparently all a-trembling at the thought of him becoming President because of his ferocious ways, even though they haven’t actually ever heard of him. He recently visited London and didn’t turn the entire population against him like Mitt did, so I guess that’s a plus.
Next time, the Democrat candidates. Because why wouldn’t you want to read about Sexy Joe Biden.