It must be super fun to work in the office of Republican presidential candidate Rand Paul:
– our fella’s getting stiffed in the polls
– yeah what do you reckon, we need a gimmick
– we could destroy stuff? with fire?
– yeah mebbe get a chainsaw too
– nailed it
And hey, Lindsey Graham’s staffers are all over it:
– that cheeky bastard Trump just gave our man’s phone number out on air
– what the fuck
– yeah bang out of order
– hang on there’s a video in this
– what are you thinking?
– cement blocks and an axe
– that’s why we pay you the big bucks
Hands up those in the Republican Party who watched those videos and had dirty sex dreams about setting fire to the Trump campaign! Because not only has Donald Trump magnificently derailed hopes that the GOP would begin once more to appeal to a broader church, but the candidates all be like, are you shitting me, this joker is gonna knock me out of the tv debates. New Republic’s Brian Beutler brilliantly sets out here the difficulties the party has got into due to the solid years of ferociously licking Trump’s towers.
It’s not even as if Trump is saying anything remarkably dissimilar from some of the other candidates, it’s just that he’s saying it louder and in shorter, cruder sentences. Trump’s ludicrous accusation that all Mexican immigrants are rapists was met with a deafening wall of silence from Republicans, yet they all jumped – except for Ted Cruz, who merely pliéd a little – on Trump’s clumsy attack on John McCain’s war hero status, ooh get the smelling salts Denise I’ve got the vapors, oh and stick a statement on the wires pronto, pay attention to meeeeeee.
Now the gloves are off, and Trump is engulfing his rivals in a tsunami of insults and smears (Lindsey Graham is “a stiff”, Jeb Bush is “weak”, and Rick Perry “should be forced to take an IQ test”). The media have no choice but to cover Trump’s campaign, given he is actually leading – leading! – in the polls. Meanwhile the Jeb! campaign is drowning, and Marco Rubio has all but disappeared under the froth.
So why is this guy so attractive to Republican voters? It’s pretty simple. He says what the hell he likes, which happens to be what many Republicans are thinking, and he has so much money that he doesn’t need to give a stuff about lobbyists. Perversely, he is displaying the kind of honesty that people of all parties are crying out for in political campaigning, albeit the rambling, nonsensical honesty of a certified egomaniac.
Far from being the guy at the side of the road desperately trying to hitch a ride, Trump is in the driving seat of the clown car and steering the Republican Party straight into a massive fucking tree. The GOP is praying that the seat belt is off and John McCain got to the airbag first.
My sneaking suspicion is that Trump will bow out after the first debate, having rammed his opinionated point so far up the GOP’s backside it’s gonna need a second autopsy. And if/when he does, who will be there to pick up all his supporters? Why hello, Ted Cruz ….
Anyhoo, here is your irregular summary of Other News This Week!
– My favourite Republican hero-star Senator Tom Cotton, best known for being punched in the twitter-face by the Iranian foreign minister, compared John Kerry to Pontius Pilate, suggesting that America is the messiah because, as everyone knows, Jesus was from Ohio.
– Republicans will today try to defund Obamacare for the millionth time. They may be stoopid but give them credit for being persistently stoopid.
– In DC haterz news, Ted Cruz is trying to smash what he calls the #WashingtonCartel (if someone doesn’t immediately open a bar with that name in my neighbourhood I’ll be furious). Rand Paul is all about defeating ‘the Washington Machine’, while Jeb! is preparing to take on ‘Mount Washington’. C’mon guys, try harder.
– We learned from presidential candidate and professional exorcist Bobby Jindal that, even after the 240th mass shooting in as many days, now is not the time to talk about gun control because the day people talk about gun control and then actually do something about it will be the day I finally eat cheese so am pencilling in the twelfth of never.
Finally, some folk don’t know a good media-friendly video from a rat’s ass, and the Reverend Bobby J struck gold with this campaign announcement video that looks like he stuck a go-pro camera in a tree to spy on his kids which is basically what he did and how goddamn creepy is that. (Spoiler: he tells his kids he’s running for President, they’re all like whatever, you’re gonna lose anyway).